I Kid, I Kid

Posted in MMA, Shooters with tags , , on November 20, 2009 by gtmoney519

I want to make it clear that I support all the unfortunate but brave men and women out there who are fighting hard against their addictions.

That said…

It’s not every day that MMA and video games collide.

Roy Munson Now Working For Wizards Of The Coast

Posted in Magic: The Gathering with tags , , , on October 18, 2009 by gtmoney519

BuehlerKingpin

The Magic: The Gathering Pro Tour is happening right now in Austin, Texas- and it looks like an old screen favorite has slipped in amongst the members of the video coverage team.  Notice how he keeps his mutilated right arm below the level of the camera at all times.

MMA News: Machida Trained At Grotto Mall For Evans Fight

Posted in Fake News, MMA, Nintendo, Old School, Sports Games with tags , , , , , on October 10, 2009 by gtmoney519

MachidaTrainingTItle

If you thought Lyoto Machida’s training methods were eccentric before, you haven’t seen anything yet.  When he’s not in the cage or avoiding a fight with the only guy who can possibly beat him, Machida is hard at work developing new techniques to keep him one step ahead of the next generation of MMA Fighters.  We here at TGIP have the scoop:

MachidaTraining1

Above, you can see Lyoto loitering around the Grotto Mall.  He looks nonchalant but soon slips in the door:

MachidaTraining2

And of course as we know by now, this was the result:

MachidaTraining3

Next:  Shane Carwin gets ready to fight Brock Lesnar by eating a shitload of Merv Burgers. 

Of course, he wouldn’t be the first fighter to prepare that way.

Prince/King Of All Cosmos Featured On A&E Television

Posted in Fake News, If Games Were Real with tags , , , on October 9, 2009 by gtmoney519

KatamariHoarder

Has anyone ever seen the show “Hoarders”? It’s a show filled with the least sympathetic mentally-ill people in captivity, a nonstop parade of white neurotics with no grip on reality.  It strikes me that many video game characters could use the help of a professional organizer or life coach.

Yes, we were naughty.  But just between you and us, it felt quite good to update again.

Let’s Put The “Us” In Hiatus

Posted in Uncategorized on October 3, 2009 by gtmoney519

TechDif

Updates are going to slow down, if not stop, while I concentrate on not dying a pauper’s death.  I really enjoy this blog, though, so I hope to eventually get back to making it my number one priority and completing all the features I started.

If anyone has a graphic design or content writing position open on a contract basis, contact me at geordietait[at]gmail.com – the mediocre skills you see here can be put to work offending the people of your choice.

In the meantime, thanks for reading and I’ll see you again soon, I hope.

Interview: 9 New Features In NBA 2K10

Posted in Basketball, Fake News, Lists, Sports Games with tags , , , , on October 2, 2009 by gtmoney519

NBATitle

TGIP:  Hi everyone, we’re here with NBA 2K10 lead designer Erick Boenisch to talk about some of the new features that the latest iteration of the series brings to the table.  Erick, thanks for being with us.

EB:  No problem.

1.  “Social Networking” Statistical Ratings

TGIP:  The NBA recently put the kibosh on tweeting and other forms of social networking during games, and team owners are making sure that their players are aware of the pitfalls of this new phenomenon.  This isn’t your daddy’s NBA, is it?

EB:  No sir, and 2K Sports is right there with “Social Networking” statistical ratings.

TGIP:  Explain to me how that works.

EB:  It’s like any other statistic.  Three point shooting, shot blocking, they’re all measured on a 1-100 scale, and this will be no different.

TGIP:  What’s the benefit of having a high “Social Networking” rating?

EB:  Well, for one thing, you won’t leave suicide messages on your Twitter and get sent to rehab.

TGIP:  Ouch.

EB:  Yeah.  A player with a higher rating will be less likely to lower team morale by complaining about team chemisty on his Twitter, blasting the general manager on his blog, or by posting a photo of himself wherein two hash bricks are leaning against his passenger-side door.

Feature2

TGIP:  That sounds like a blast.  What is Shaquille O’Neal’s SN rating?

EB:  100, baby.  He’s the standard by which all others are measured.  Others with high ratings are Chris Bosh, Baron Davis…

TGIP:  What is Starbury’s rating?

EB:  12 out of a possible 100.

TGIP:  Really?

EB:  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was looking at the wrong column, that’s his 2-point field goal rating.

2.  Shaquille O’Neal Intellectual Property Theft Mode

TGIP:  What else do you have for us?

EB:  Well, we figured it would be fairly easy to model plagiarism, so we did that with “IP Theft Mode”, where teammates chemistry can suddenly drop when one makes a television show out of an idea the other had, and claims it was his idea.

Feature1

TGIP:  And how does that effect gameplay?

EB:  It shows up in Association mode.  Team chemistry will plunge if you don’t do something to resolve the rift.

TGIP:  And how do you do that?

EB:  You get a menu option where you can either give the guy a producer credit or tell him to f— himself.

3.  Enhanced Training/Rehab Options

TGIP:  There seems to be a lot of depth to Association mode in this iteration, more than ever before.

EB:  Yeah- you will really feel like you are running the team, right down to managing how your stars come back from major injuries.  We’ve added a lot of depth this year…players even have “signature” training methods that have greater effects than the standard.

TGIP:  For example?

EB:  Well, Gilbert Arenas can train or rehab by sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber or oxygen tent.  That’s his signature menu choice.  He has other options too, like swimming, calisthenics, the treadmill, no-contact drills…you can micromanage every aspect of his recovery. 

TGIP:  Awesome!  His knee will finally be 100%.

EB:  Nope.

Feature3

TGIP:  Any other signature choices?

EB:  Yao Ming has a choice unique only to him where he trains by taking nonstop 16 hour flights and getting worked to death by the Chinese National Team.  It actually WORSENS injuries.

TGIP:  Why would you choose it?

EB:  The game chooses it for you.

4.  CAPBLASTER! Minigame

TGIP:  I heard a rumor that you guys added some Easter Eggs this year.

EB:  (laughs) Yeah, you caught us.  If you hit a certain combination of buttons you can play “CAPBLASTER!”, a bullet-hell game featuring Rip Hamilton.  You control a $34,000,000 ship and every time some cap space floats onto the screen, you blast it to smithereens. 

TGIP:  What other features does Rip’s ship have?

EB:  If you hit circle, it plays a recording of him saying “Me, ref?”  The ship also has a special attack where it sulks if the 2P ship is getting most of the action.

TGIP:  Who is the 2P ship?

EB:  Kenyon Martin.

Feature4

TGIP:  Old-school graphics…but why a space game?

EB:  It’s not science fiction- it’s an actual representation of the technology we’ll have access to by the time the Pistons are any good again.

5.  Delonte West Offseason Mode

TGIP:  Any new modes to tell us about?

EB:  Yeah- we’re branching out.  I can’t say too much about this one, but here’s a screenshot:

Feature5

TGIP:  Let’s move on.

EB:  Yeah, I’m not sure that will make the final game, you know?

6.  Quitting On The Coach Option

TGIP:  Yes, back to basketball.  I heard a rumor of team-specific menu commands.

EB:  That rumor is a bit overblown- there’s really only one unique option and it’s for one team in particular.

Feature6

TGIP:  What effect does that menu choice have?

EB:  The stats of all of your players go down by 30% across the board.

TGIP:  Does the option only appear if Mike Dunleavy is coaching the team?

EB:  We thought about that, but honestly, Baron Davis can quit on any coach. 

7.  Josh Howard National Anthem Customizer

TGIP:  Moving on, I see you added some spiffy effects to the pre-game options.

EB:  Yes indeed.  We animated the entire national anthem and introductions, and we’re letting the player dictate exactly how his players act during the anthem in Association mode.

Feature7

TGIP:  What happens if a player doesn’t stand as if he’s got a broom up his ass during the anthem?

EB:  Nothing.

TGIP:  I said ‘player’, not ‘white player’.

EB:  Oh.  In that case, expect a lot of frightening emails from southern states.

TGIP:  Anything more to know about this mode?

EB:  Two players have signature anthem behaviors:  Josh Howard and-

TGIP:  Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf?

EB:  Bingo.  We snuck him into the game just for this mode.

8.  Joe Johnson Health/Energy Meter

TGIP:  I saw a screenshot somewhere of Joe Johnson with health bar…what is that about?

EB:  Oh, that’s another new feature!  Basically, we added a bar to alert Hawks fans to the exact point in the middle of the season where Joe runs out of gas and starts playing like s–t.  It happens every year so we can just re-use the code for NBA 2K11.  We coded it for about 45 games, which is actually a bit generous.

Feature8

TGIP:  Is there any way to toggle whether or not Josh Smith takes perimeter shots?

EB:  Just like in real life, no.  But you can always just control him in-game and make sure he always goes to the hole.  And speaking of toggles…

9.  Memphis Grizzlies Selective Control Locks

TGIP:  That must be a segue into the team-wide control input locks.

EB:  Yes.  Basically, there’s a pass button in the game but every time we would do QA testing for the Grizzlies, it would never come up.  The team actually plays most realistically if you disable that input button.  It’s the only one we have on by default.

Feature9

TGIP:  Are there any others in the game?

EB:  The Golden State Warriors can’t hit the pause button.  The New York Knicks can’t hit the button to contest shots.  Ron Artest can’t hit the button to put on his pants before boarding the team bus.

TGIP:  Fascinating.  Well, that’s all the time we have, Erick.  Thanks so much for dropping by, and congratulations on a great game.

EB:  My pleasure.

Aborted PSP GO Marketing Plan Revealed

Posted in Fake News, PSP with tags , , , , on September 30, 2009 by gtmoney519

PSPGoFuckYourself

It was probably a good idea to simply shorten the name to “PSP Go”.

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