What If A Team Of Video Game Characters Played A Series Against The New York Yankees?

VGSPlash

While ostensibly a jock, hedge fund manager sort of game, Out Of The Park Baseball 10 can be turned to the Light Side with a little hard work.  It’s as big a sandbox as they come- a huge, smoke-billowing statistics factory with a level of complexity that is begging to be turned away from baseball and toward some greater pursuit, like Japanese teenagers saving the world.  That said, if there isn’t a super-villain in stasis somewhere waiting for the stars to align right so he or she can become a God, we can at least take out our world-saving inclinations on the New York Yankees.

Here’s the team I put together:

VGRoster

As you can see it’s a real Murderer’s Row.  Below are the results of the team’s games against the Yankees, which are part of a larger simulated season (hence the various season statistics on the right side of the box score). 

(Yankees fans will quickly notice that certain liberties are taken with the lineup and roster.   If you see a player missing or one you don’t recognize, the reason is probably an injury and a resulting minor-league callup or trade by the A.I…or simply an out-of-date roster in my version of OOTPX.)

Game 1 – Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 6, New York Yankees 1

53,000 fans gathered at Nintendo Park today to watch the newly formed “Video Game All-Stars” baseball team face off against the class of the American League, the New York Yankees.  Those hoping to see heroics from their pixelated childhood heroes didn’t go home disappointed, as the home team defeated the men in pinstripes by a score of 6-1 behind a strong pitching performance by genetically engineered super-soldier Solid Snake.

“A-Rod didn’t play,” quipped a fan outside the stadium.  “Maybe the new version of FOXDIE targets overpaid, philandering, steroid-enhanced douche bags!”

Snake pitched seven strong innings, scattering seven hits but never giving the Yankees much confidence.  The grizzled combat veteran spent most of the game pitching with an unorthodox style that allowed him to grip the ball and his combat knife in the same hand.  Yankees manager Joe Girardi considered asking umpires to stop the game.  “I thought that damn knife was going to come to home plate with the ball a couple of times,” he complained.  “I look over and Robinson [Cano] is digging in four feet off the plate.  I know intimidation is part of the game, but that’s going too far.”

Cano had his own explanation for his struggles at the plate.  “He was scuffing up the ball, camoflaging it,” he said, simply.  “They can fine me or whatever.  I saw him cutting up the ball, and you can print that.” 

Snake was issued a delay-of-game warning on two occasions, once for hiding in a box for a prolonged period of time, and once for kneeling and carrying on a prolonged CODEC conversation with pitching coach Mei Ling while Derek Jeter was at the plate.

Yankee hurler Chien-Ming Wang wasn’t as successful as his counterpart, but Girardi gave his struggling pitchers a pass for a rough outing.  “Ten walks sounds like a lot…but my scouts tell me they have a guy who can cut bullets in half using a sword that must weigh 100 pounds.  You’re going to give THAT guy something to hit?” 

The lone bright spot for the Yankees was catcher Jorge Posada, who not only was able to solve Snake (going 2 for 4 on the day), but also threw out Sonic the Hedgehog trying to steal second base on two seperate occasions. 

“My nephews were all like ‘You threw out Sonic!  You threw out Sonic!'” commented Posada.  “Is he supposed to be a big deal or something?  Joe told me, ‘Watch this guy, he likes to run.’  When he took off, the whole stadium knew it was coming.”

Though Posada was nonchalant, the double CS box score caused a lot of ribbing in the VGA locker room that eventually boiled over into a minor scuffle between Sonic and utility infielder Professor Oak.

“You’re Sonic the f—ing Hedgehog and you get thrown out by Jorge f—ing Posada?” Oak reportedly said, speaking to reporters after the game.  “He’s supposed to get on base and make things happen for the team.  Jesus, Jorge Posada…f—, I can’t believe it.  Talk about losing a step.  No wonder his last bunch of games have been such s–t!”

Sonic happened to be nearby and the two exchanged words, but were quickly seperated by teammates.  Asked later for comment, Sonic said, “F— Oak, he has no business talking about the game of baseball.  The first time we handed him a baseball, he tried to summon a Snorlax out of it.”

Here’s the final box score:

BoxScore1

The VG All-Stars lead the series 1-0.

To be continued in Part 2.

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3 Responses to “What If A Team Of Video Game Characters Played A Series Against The New York Yankees?”

  1. Has Sonic turned into one of those has beens that relies on their reputation to get work or does he just not know how to lead off?

  2. haha funny post…pretty random lol…but super interesting. nobody could get sonic out!

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