Archive for the KOEI Category

DW6.5: Big Homos Countdown #2

Posted in KOEI, Lists, Warriors Series with tags , , , , on September 27, 2009 by gtmoney519

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(Explanation:  KOEI’s series of “Warriors” games are flashy beat-em-up titles with RPG elements and always feature a very colorful cast of characters.  While maligned by reviewers, they have a cult-following among people who realize that Double Dragon and Final Fight weren’t exactly  Civilization IV in terms of depth either, but were still fun.  With each iteration of the game series, though, the character roster has 9-10 guys who look like they can’t wait to leap into a tent and start giving each other the business.  This is our light-hearted look at the poofiest of the poofters.)

#2.  Ranmaru Mori

Quotes:         

“Stop it! I’m a man! Why can’t you see that?”
“I shall serve with unwavering devotion!”
“I still don’t understand how the enemy spotted me that time… They said something like ‘There are no girls in the priesthood.’ What could that possibly mean?”

Weapon:     An oversized sword.

Known For:     Looking forward to the next Lord Nobunaga moustache ride.  Being voiced by female VAs in almost every iteration of the series.

Rappers talk a lot about street cred.  The idea is that they sound a little more convincing talking about a tough, anti-authority upbringing if they have actually caught a case or two.  For those of us who think Cee-Lo is a soft drink, though, it’s much more difficult to get taken seriously when we pic up the mic.  The reason I’m talking about this is that many of the lavender elite we’ve profiled so far have had their personas drastically altered by KOEI, their mannerisms painted with a flowery pink brush they haven’t historically earned. 

Lu Xun, for example, was a burly Chinese general sort by all accounts, and the guys doing Dynasty Warriors decided he’d be a lot more compelling as a flighty young firebrand with perfect eyebrows.  To give you an idea of what that’s like, imagine somebody making a video game in the year 3890, and portraying Douglas MacArthur as a lithe ballerina in high-heels and a star-spangled dildo mask, kicking the shit out of Nazi footsoldiers with an American flag halberd.

If you’re seething over the injustice of it all, you should be relieved that the character in the #2 slot of our countdown actually historically sat on more poles than Dale Earnhardt.  Ladies and gentlemen (but especially gentlemen), I present Ranmaru Mori, the most famous male concubine of the Sengoku Era.

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KOEI’s characterization of Ranmaru has been over-the-top enough to cultivate a legion of slavering shotakus and cosplay hags trying to jam their fat ankles into silken legwarmers.  I won’t go into the full depravities that have happened on roleplay message boards because of this character’s existence, but I’m sure you can imagine it if you try hard enough.  It’s a good thing I’m so desensitized that Sonic/Tails/Knuckles gangbang fan-fiction doesn’t even make me bat an eyelash anymore.

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KOEI doesn’t even really make an attempt to steer the minds of their players away from the dark recesses to which we all, given the chance, typically withdraw.  Would you go to jail for this?  Take a close look at images below and you can see why Nobunaga, if alive today, would have been a prime candidate for a ride in the Party Van.

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Things like this don’t translate well between eras, of course.  Unlike certain other cultures, the Western world is still a bit squeamish when it comes to embracing unabashed man-boy banana smuggling.  I’m sure that when regional lords were just chilling back in the day, doing whatever they wanted to their congressional pages and female ninjas, nobody said much about it.  Were the Oda still around in the present, however,  who knows what sort of backlash their Chris-Cornell-looking, smarmy-voiced leader might face?

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Let this be a warning to you if you ever find yourself teleported to present-day North America from feudal Japan.  First, you can no longer play hide the salami with your paper boy without suffering punitive consequences.  Second, a bunch of fat weeaboo nerds are going to try to seduce your daughter if she looks even 25% Asian.

DW6.5: Big Homos Countdown #3

Posted in KOEI, Lists, Warriors Series with tags , , , , on September 23, 2009 by gtmoney519

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(Explanation:  KOEI’s series of “Warriors” games are flashy beat-em-up titles with RPG elements and always feature a very colorful cast of characters.  While maligned by reviewers, they have a cult-following among people who realize that Double Dragon and Final Fight weren’t exactly  Civilization IV in terms of depth either, but were still fun.  With each iteration of the game series, though, the character roster has 9-10 guys who look like they can’t wait to leap into a tent and start giving each other the business.  This is our light-hearted look at the poofiest of the poofters.)

#3.  Kojiro Sasaki

Quotes:         

“You’re tying me up? How quaint.”
“My, you’re quite strong. I’m getting goosebumps.”
“I’ll kill you in ways you never imagined.”

Weapon:     His pale, uncircumcized penis.   Wait, hold up.  Actually a no-dachi.  A big, uncircumcized no-dachi.

Known For:     Talking about wanting to “defeat” Miyamoto Musashi while everyone around rolls their eyes because they know what he really means.

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What do you get when you combine a man who wears way too much makeup with a man who looks like a woman?  Nothing legal in California, that’s for sure.  But more importantly, you get Kojiro Sasaki, a frightening queen with what looks to be a fairly serious compensation problem.  You may remember this man from the last time you saw him wearing a wig and keeping women in a pit.

Kojiro captures spot number #3 on the Big Homos list with a cunning strategy combining predatory homosexual behavior with heavy use of cosmetics.  His well-documented desire to plunge every inch of his oversized blade into arch-nemesis Miyamoto Musashi is the absolute barest of euphemisms, as shown in the clip below:

Why is it that when you kill a man in war, they call you a hero…but when you kill a man out of love, they call it murder?

In actual history of course, Sasaki was a famous swordsman who met his cock against Miyamoto Musashi…shit.  Met his matchMatch.  Famously defeated in that duel by a sword carved from a boat oar, he’s a footnote in the story of Musashi, meaning his personality is not very clearly defined in whatever source material KOEI uses to shovel out the 100-character rosters in their games. 

The last thing you want to have when KOEI gets a hold of you is a non-defined personality, because KOEI will take that blank space and run with it.  Before all is said and done you might be a sub-educable retard, president of the FOX network, or, indeed, queer as a three-dollar bill.

DW6.5: Big Homos Countdown #4

Posted in KOEI, Lists, Warriors Series with tags , , , on September 21, 2009 by gtmoney519

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(Explanation:  KOEI’s series of “Warriors” games are flashy beat-em-up titles with RPG elements and always feature a very colorful cast of characters.  While maligned by reviewers, they have a cult-following among people who realize that Double Dragon and Final Fight weren’t exactly  Civilization IV in terms of depth either, but were still fun.  With each iteration of the game series, though, the character roster has 9-10 guys who look like they can’t wait to leap into a tent and start giving each other the business.  This is our light-hearted look at the poofiest of the poofters.)

#4.  Lu Xun

Quotes:         

“”I have no time for shriveling cowards! Bring out a real man!”
“You want a piece of me?”
“We worked well together!”

And my personal favorite:

“How careless of me! Although this is where I would have laid a trap as well!”

Weapon:     Dual Short Swords (DW 3-5, Warriors Orochi 1-2),
Single Sword (DW 6)

Known For:     Laying traps, telling people about the times he laid a trap, predicting when and where Sima Yi would be laying a trap, and then showing up.  Talking to Lu Meng about laying trapsLaying traps WITH Lu Meng.

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Usually when I select a character with extravagent eye makeup, earrings, feathered pauldrons, perfect skin, shapely lips, come-hither eyes and wrists so slender that they remind me of a crochety old woman yanking her niece around at the supermarket, the next thing I do is check the manual to see how I can use the Sixaxis controls to make her boobs jiggle.  Not in this case, though, since Lu Xun allegedly has a penis and my interests are ill-founded and awkward. (He may even grow body hair once you level him past 50.) 

A protege of Lu Meng (*wink wink*, *lubing noises*), Lu Xun can lay claim to being bad-ass in early Dynasty Warriors iterations since the developers rolled the dice and he was one of the guys who got lucky and had the death element attached to his best weapons.  Even back then he was dressing in a suspect manner and referring to “breaking through Hu Lao Gate” in tones of speech indicating an obvious double-entendre.

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Lu Xun eventually got tired of that outfit (due, one imagines, to multiple incidents not unlike those experienced by Monica Lewinsky) and assumed his current appearence for Dynasty Warriors 6.  His lust for the attentions of  his fellow officers hasn’t diminished in the least, however, (the usual- Zhou Tai stumbles drunkenly into his tent, slurring about “misplacing his scabbard”, just another night in camp outside of Jiang Dong) as evidenced by his statistics at the character select screen:

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When he’s not doing his main job of keeping Huang Gai’s weapon safe from the elements, Lu Xun has helped the kingdom of Wu in many battles.  His greatest contribution has probably been somehow keeping fellow Wu Kingdom assbandits Zhou You and Ling Tong off of this list by virtue of his own limitless capacity for scrotum snorkeling.  In particular, it takes a monsterous queer to keep Zhou Yu and his meticulously-kept hair away from the title of “Gayest Wu Officer”, and so Zhou Yu and each one of the other one-note-characterization Wu officers owe Lu Xun a (poorly voice acted) debt of thanks and maybe a ride on one or both of Taishi Ci’s battle rods.

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I should leave you with a word of advice if you started masturbating furiously upon seeing the first image in this post, only to subsequently discover that Lu Xun is actually a man.  Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.  Just take a ride in someone’s pickup truck, play some Madden with a friend, and forget the entire silly incident actually occured. 

The next time you sit down to play a Warriors game, pick someone with hair on his chest and rest easy knowing you’re as straight as they come and you’d never want to bang a dude or use the Sixaxis to manipulate his taut buttocks.

What?  Why are you looking at me like that?

(Pictures and movies for this article courtesy of KOEI Warriors and The KOEI Wiki.)

DW6.5: Big Homos Countdown #5

Posted in KOEI, Lists, Warriors Series with tags , , , on September 21, 2009 by gtmoney519

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(Explanation:  KOEI’s series of “Warriors” games are flashy beat-em-up titles with RPG elements and always feature a very colorful cast of characters.  While maligned by reviewers, they have a cult-following among people who realize that Double Dragon and Final Fight weren’t exactly  Civilization IV in terms of depth either, but were still fun.  With each iteration of the game series, though, the character roster has 9-10 guys who look like they can’t wait to leap into a tent and start giving each other the business.  This is our light-hearted look at the poofiest of the poofters.)

#5.  Yoshimoto Imagawa

Quotes:         “I will be lonely no more!”
                      “I feel plump and more magnificent than ever!”

Weapon:     Sword + Kemari Balls

Known For:     Brushing up against Kenshin Uesugi’s crotch and then laughing it off as an “accident”.

I’ve never played much as Yoshimoto.  I only like my pudgy, effeminate, powder-faced men in one of two ways- swabbing the soon-to-be-tortured Dread Pirate Roberts, or managing the Undertaker.  It’s just as well.  He’s hands-down the worst character in Warriors Orochi 2, which with a roster of 90+ playables is no mean feat.  Wielding a phallic object alongside it’s counterpart testicle, he lacks the range, power and testosterone to do much of anything besides mince around and fall on his face, presumably in the hope of smothering a young enemy warrior under his croissant-like body. 

A surefire ticket for any player to getting his ass kicked by Lu Bu, Yoshimoto’s movelist is as anemic and flaccid as his underslung, gut-shadowed, woman-averse penis.  Of course, getting pounded by a stout halberd is just another Saturday night in the pagoda for him.  Here, we see that his idea of a good time involves dancing around like a bell-end and fantasizing about which clouds most resemble Yukimura Sanada’s ass.

Unlike characters such as Sima Yi (aka. “Miss Thang”) and Zhou Yu, who aggressively propogate the battlefield with their estrogen auras to the extent that base captains are defeated by the overwhelming queenery of their robe-clad vaginas, Yoshimoto is fairly passive, harmless, and child-like in his chocolate thiefdom.  Of course, the same could have been said of Michael Jackson, and we all know how that turned out for a succession of the young and impressionable. 

One gets the unmistakable idea that Yoshimoto would like nothing better than to take a young soldier home and show him the wonders of kemari before plying him with booze and pills and leaving him to question the next morning which member of the Takeda cavalry led the charge up his rear end.

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His cluelessly gleeful face hides a dark penchant.  If KOEI adds a “sex offender registry” to Warriors Orochi 3, Yoshimoto Imagawa will be the first guy on it, and GameSpot might bump the review up to 4.5 as a reward for finally adding a new feature to an engine that has seen more skins than Ed Gein.  I should make clear here that I in no way equate homosexuality and kiddie-diddling, so you can lower your Gucci pitchforks right now and turn them back to where they were.  Yoshimoto just happens to fill out the cleft in that Venn diagram in that he’s gay as a cocked hat and also more than comfortable leaning out of the side of a van with box of Mike & Ike in one hand and his fudgedozer in the other.  And by “fill out the cleft”, I mean “penetrate the unwilling anus of a sun-swaddled farmboy”. 

Should his manhood be called into question, Yoshimoto might take a break from lathering donut-sugar on his face long enough to raise his high-as-fuck voice in some semblance of protest.  Sadly, the semi-literate mad geniuses of the Interwebs were on to him as early as 2007.

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Believe it or not, this sad emperor-wannabe’s Pennywise The Clown levels of creepiness and inability to hit puberty aren’t enough to bump him higher than #5 on this list… a ranking that is a testament to the brigade of bum-punchers propogating the roster of any given KOEI offering.  You could show up in DW7 in a bondage mask, wielding dildo-handle nunchaku and spinning on the end of your schwanz for a Musou Attack and still only pull an Honorable Mention.

(Pictures and movies for this article courtesy of KOEI Warriors.)