Archive for the Final Fantasy Category

Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 2

Posted in Fake News, Final Fantasy, Sports Games, Square-Enix with tags , , , , on September 24, 2009 by gtmoney519


Game 2 – Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 17,  New York Yankees 1

After a sound defeat in Game 1 of the series, a proud Yankees team was ready to return to Nintendo Park and even things up.

The home team made sure that didn’t happen.

Pouncing on beleaguered Yankee starter Andy Pettitte from the very first pitch, the All-Stars crushed the Yankees 17-1 in a game that many fans knew was over before the first inning had even concluded.  Seven of the runs were surrendered by Pettitte, who threw only 34 pitches before getting the hook.  The veteren hurler took it in stride.  “They have a combat android on their team,” he said, matter-of-factly.  “What do you want from me?” 

Overall, the Yankee staff had a bad day, even surrendering three RBI singles to weak-hitting anime otaku Hal Emmerich.  The All-Stars’ catcher, Diddy Kong, did the most damage with a perfect 5-5 afternoon at the plate.  Joe Girardi offered one possible explanation at the post-game press conference for the little monkey’s peak performance.  “Typically our guys’ stuff will sink away from a hitter…but he’s already right down there.”

Despite the scoring gap, tempers were kept in check.  Rumors were heard after the game that one Yankee reliever was considering throwing high and inside at an All-Stars hitter, only to be informed that the pitcher for the opposing team was a Shotokan Karate master who could hurl energy balls from his palms.  An unnamed source in the Yankee clubhouse had this to say:  “Jeter just walked up to the kid and said, ‘If you throw at one of them, I’m going to kill you.'”

The home team was firing on all cylinders and the sentiment around the locker room was that a four-game sweep was a foregone conclusion.  Indeed, if anything sabotages this talented lineup of gaming stars, it will be internal strife.  Cloud Strife, that is.  Nursing a wrist injury and out an estimated six weeks, Strife declined to comment on the Yankees and instead focused on the 0-5 hitting performance of his teammate, Sephiroth. 

“He says he will never be ‘only a memory’, but today his bat speed certainly was,” said Strife.

Asked to comment, the silver-haired slugger only shrugged.  “He can say what he wants.  I still murdered his girlfriend in front of him,” he replied.

For the Yankees, the focus now turns to whether or not manager Joe Girardi can come up with a lineup for Game 3 that will make a dent in the All-Stars pitching.  “It’s tough,” the skipper conceded.  “Masters was really throwing habookens out there.  Is that how you say it?  Habookens?…It’s hadoukens?  Well, whatever.”


The All-Stars lead the series 2-0. 

To be continued in Part 3.


Square-Enix Needs To Hire Better Consultants To Help Create Realistic Weapon Effects

Posted in Final Fantasy, Square-Enix with tags , , , , , on September 23, 2009 by gtmoney519

Firearms can be sexy, tell a story, and add to the atmosphere…if you treat them right.  If you’re fake about it, people will be able to tell.

Anyone who thinks the discharge of a gun isn’t an explosive kinetic and chemical event has never been close to one when finger was put to trigger. Even people who have never actually fired a gun, like myself, have watched videos of sparrow-wristed women trying to fire a Desert Eagle and breaking their own noses, and we consequently get the idea: there’s a lot to consider beside the bullet shooting out of the end.

That means there’s a lot to render.

How does Square-Enix deal with that? They ignore most of it and take all the satisfaction out of whatever technological queef-stick the soldiers of Empire #9 are carrying around.

I first started to notice this around the time of Dirge of Cerberus/Advent Children. While I found the catharsis of Advent Children’s ending (and the fun choreography) strong enough to balance the fact that it’s in most ways an intellectually bankrupt experience filled with wooden CGI dolls, I couldn’t help but notice that Vincent’s triple-barrelled weapon was discharging with all the force of the lid on a jar of bad preserves. The guttering candle-flame muzzle flash, the lackluster sound of each shot, the lack of recoil…they all combined to take what could have been a fearsome firearm and make it a pussified popgun.

Also, Dirge of Cerberus sucked a big penis, but that’s neither here nor there in this discussion.

Checking in on Square since that disappointment, I can confirm that they’ve gotten worse.

Let me walk you through the above trailer.

0:50 – A couple of soldiers from Evil Empire #9 start blasting. The gunshots sound like a car engine trying to start in -20 degree weather, but I’ll forgive them…this time. It’s early.

0:54 – Lightning shoves the barrel of one rifle aside and punches out the guard. Guess what? The gun discharges while she’s doing this. I know, it sounds like an old man with asthma and you can’t tell…but watch it closely, you can see the muzzle flash.

1:11 – A guard getting shot at point-blank range, in the face, seven or eight times. The way the animators show this is by having his vision redden and his visor crack in first-person view. Let it be known that it takes seven or eight shots from one of these guns to crack the visor of a low-level grunt. If this was Devil May Cry and Dante unloaded in some guy’s face, do you think he’d still be standing there after shot one?

1:17 – Nothing really happens here, I just wanted to say “Dante unloaded in some guy’s face” again.

1:45 – Rebels with arms like toothpicks discharge automatic weapons while extending their arms in front of their faces and keeping the butt of each weapon braced against absolutely nothing. Muzzle flashes that look like a Christmas display accompany a silent clusterfuck where the report of their guns never rises in volume above a dull murmur. If you can find any sign of recoil in this sequence then you win a gold star.

2:10 – Snow and his male concubine hold a conversation in normal speaking voices while some muscled DBZ reject empties the (limitless) clip of an automatic weapon in the foreground of the shot. The muzzle flash looks like the light on my toaster oven.

2:31 – The most egregious portion of the entire trailer…the same overgrown idiot fires merrily away with his SMG, WHILE holding a conversation in a tone that doesn’t even qualify as a raised voice. The gun has a shoulder stabilizer but he doesn’t use it, because this weapon obviously produces no recoil. Again, the muzzle flash looks like a child flicking his Flintstones nightlight on and off as fast as his crumb-dusted hands can manage. So basically we have a weapon that makes no sound, has no recoil and produces no muzzle flash…and this is supposed to be a proper visual effect, visceral and satisfying to watch?

2:52 – Oh wait, I get it…the guns are for KIDS. Now I understand, Square-Enix. Do they come in a selection of flavors and colors?

2:54 – The kid, in fake-firing the weapon, actually simulates more recoil than he will ever experience while genuinely firing that piece of shit.  I think I caught a glimpse of the word “NERF” on the side.

2:59Look at how these people are holding their guns. Jesus, somebody order these guys up a copy of Counterstrike, and fast. I know the first thing I do when I get an AK is jam the butt up against my solar plexus and pop off a few rounds.  Then to hit up my cardiologist and explain why my aortas are flat.

After that the trailer mercifully moves on to other things and people stop waving shooting irons around.  I don’t know what to think, though.  Sure, I’m on the hook for every Final Fantasy game until they put me in the cold cold ground (main series only, I’m not buying every Vincent Valentine/Donald Duck/DS real-time-strategy turd they strain out) but I’m really hoping for weapon effects that don’t make me feel like I’m playing paintball.

Square, tell your art directors to take a break and play Metal Gear Solid, Devil May Cry, or hell, pick any FPS you want.  It’ll pay off in the long run.

(PS:  I love Final Fantasy games and am a huge gay for whatever miserably-voice-acted-and-written menagerie of underage twats they assemble with each iteration.)