Portions Of Desktop Publishing Industry To Grind To Halt

Posted in News with tags , , , on September 30, 2009 by gtmoney519

MacHammer

As reported here on Joystiq, Warhammer fans who are also Mac owners will now be able to sit around slamming their hams just as easily and fruitlessly as their PC-owning counterparts.  As a result, anybody who needed a magazine layout done, or who otherwise absolutely had to have the attention of an arrogant prick, will likely experience some wait time. 

No trouble, though- 75% of Mac owners who crack the box and discover the program isn’t actually a multimedia creative suite will quickly return to whatever it was they were doing.

Video Game PostSecret

Posted in If Games Were Real, Other Cool Sites with tags , , , , on September 29, 2009 by gtmoney519

PostSecret is a famous blog and ongoing community mail artproject in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. Select secrets are then posted on the PostSecret website, or used for PostSecret’s books or museum exhibits.

Sometimes I wonder, (because I’m insane) if video game characters were to submit their innermost secrets to PostSecret, what sort of postcards would result?

Here’s my attempt to find out.

VGPS1

 

VGPS2

 

VGPS3

 

VGPS4

 

VGPS5

(You can check out a similar concept, Video Game Facebook Status Updates, here at College Humor.)

Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 3

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , on September 29, 2009 by gtmoney519

VGSPlash2

Game 3 – Friday, April 10th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 12,  New York Yankees 2

The fans lining up at Nintendo Park for this historic series between the New York Yankees and an all-star squad of their favorite video game characters are concerned with who will be there.  The New York Yankees, though, are focused on who isn’t in uniform.  Untimely injuries to Hideki Matsui (who tweaked a hamstring in Game 2) and Alex Rodriguez have left their mighty lineup depleted, a state that is akin to a death sentence against pitchers with stuff the likes of which no MLB hitter has ever seen. 

This was no more apparent than Friday evening, when the middle of the Yankee batting order couldn’t touch VGA starting pitcher Mega-Man, a diminutive blue dynamo crafted by Dr. Light to save the world.  Yankee slugger Mark Teixeira was unapologetic about his 0-4, 2 K line.  “That guy has an absolute cannon for an arm,” he remarked.  “That isn’t a metaphor or whatever.  It’s an actual cannon.”

Indeed, some of Mega Man’s offerings sailed over the plate in excess of 120 mph, leaving Yankee hitters to shake their heads.  In the early innings, when Mega Man was charging up his Mega Buster before each delivery, some refused to stand in the batters box.  Said one Yankee player on condition of anonymity:  “If you think I’m standing anywhere near home plate with that s–t going on, you’re f—ing crazy.”

Only backup outfielder Brett Gardner had any luck, hitting a perfect 3 for 3.  The Holly Hill, SC product only smiled when asked his secret.  “I just sat on the fastball, started my swing early, and hoped,” he said.  Despite Gardner’s performance, the Yankees couldn’t muster much at the plate until Mega Man switched to a more conventional, non-charged-Buster delivery in the 7th inning- a move that ruffled some feathers on the Yankee bench.

“They say he’s a nice guy and wasn’t trying to show us up,” commented Joe Girardi, “but we’re grown men.”

The consensus in the Yankee clubhouse is that the series might be different if the team were healthy.  Hideki Matsui, sidelined for this game with a bothersome hamstring, agreed.  “He may be Mega Man over here but I know him as Rock Man,” he explained.  “I feel like I could have helped us out there today.  And no question, A-Rod too.”

Some opposing players quickly grew tired of the excuses they heard coming from the Yankees at the post-game presser.  Cloud Strife, speaking to reporters after the game, was the first to directly address the issue.  “I’m out six weeks with [this wrist injury], so they have no right to complain about guys being hurt.  A-Rod may be a good player but the guy we have replacing me is a f—ing scientist who sits around on his laptop all day, watching Policenauts episodes…so I don’t want to hear their b—-ing.”  Indeed Hal Emmerich was 0-5 on the day with three rally-killing strikeouts.

There was some disharmony during the game as well, as hot-headed powerhouse Lu Bu destroyed the team’s water cooler and attacked a bat rack when All-Stars manager FuSoYa decided to send up weak-hitting Professor Layton to pinch-hit for him.  He disappeared into the clubhouse and was livid after the game.

“I want to know what sort of weakling he thinks I am!” he seethed.  He left soon after on his horse, Red Hare, and refused to talk further with reporters.

Professor Layton seemed embarassed about the whole thing, as he was struck out swinging by Mariano Rivera.  “Oh dear.  I just couldn’t solve his fastball,” he admitted.

The Yankees now find themselves on the brink of elimination…but on the bright side they have some time to take care of the injury problems that have plagued them.  Because of scheduling conflicts (many of the All-Stars have other commitments besides baseball, such as saving the Mushroom Kingdom) the next game won’t take place for several months, when the Video Game All-Stars visit the new Yankee Stadium.

BoxScore3

The All-Stars lead the series 3-0. 

To be continued in Part 4.

Marketing Genius

Posted in Other Cool Sites with tags , , , on September 28, 2009 by gtmoney519

PAXFudgeLetter

PAXFudge

I came up with a great idea for PAX and I hope the bigwigs will take a break from polishing their monocles and eating sushi off of naked women to hear me out.  Wish me luck.  This might be my ticket out of this two-bit town.

(Note:  Either Tycho or Gabe linked to an article I wrote about a million years ago, causing the hit counter on it to explode and my editor to praise me.  Like an idiot, I thought I was a big deal and immediately started pestering them to collaborate on something via repeated emails.  Their resulting silence was awkward, but it did teach me a valuable lesson.  I’m sure it taught them a valuable lesson as well- be careful who you praise.  He might be a lonely prick starving in an artistic wasteland.)

DW6.5: Big Homos Countdown #2

Posted in KOEI, Lists, Warriors Series with tags , , , , on September 27, 2009 by gtmoney519

DWBigHomosLogo2

(Explanation:  KOEI’s series of “Warriors” games are flashy beat-em-up titles with RPG elements and always feature a very colorful cast of characters.  While maligned by reviewers, they have a cult-following among people who realize that Double Dragon and Final Fight weren’t exactly  Civilization IV in terms of depth either, but were still fun.  With each iteration of the game series, though, the character roster has 9-10 guys who look like they can’t wait to leap into a tent and start giving each other the business.  This is our light-hearted look at the poofiest of the poofters.)

#2.  Ranmaru Mori

Quotes:         

“Stop it! I’m a man! Why can’t you see that?”
“I shall serve with unwavering devotion!”
“I still don’t understand how the enemy spotted me that time… They said something like ‘There are no girls in the priesthood.’ What could that possibly mean?”

Weapon:     An oversized sword.

Known For:     Looking forward to the next Lord Nobunaga moustache ride.  Being voiced by female VAs in almost every iteration of the series.

Rappers talk a lot about street cred.  The idea is that they sound a little more convincing talking about a tough, anti-authority upbringing if they have actually caught a case or two.  For those of us who think Cee-Lo is a soft drink, though, it’s much more difficult to get taken seriously when we pic up the mic.  The reason I’m talking about this is that many of the lavender elite we’ve profiled so far have had their personas drastically altered by KOEI, their mannerisms painted with a flowery pink brush they haven’t historically earned. 

Lu Xun, for example, was a burly Chinese general sort by all accounts, and the guys doing Dynasty Warriors decided he’d be a lot more compelling as a flighty young firebrand with perfect eyebrows.  To give you an idea of what that’s like, imagine somebody making a video game in the year 3890, and portraying Douglas MacArthur as a lithe ballerina in high-heels and a star-spangled dildo mask, kicking the shit out of Nazi footsoldiers with an American flag halberd.

If you’re seething over the injustice of it all, you should be relieved that the character in the #2 slot of our countdown actually historically sat on more poles than Dale Earnhardt.  Ladies and gentlemen (but especially gentlemen), I present Ranmaru Mori, the most famous male concubine of the Sengoku Era.

RM1

KOEI’s characterization of Ranmaru has been over-the-top enough to cultivate a legion of slavering shotakus and cosplay hags trying to jam their fat ankles into silken legwarmers.  I won’t go into the full depravities that have happened on roleplay message boards because of this character’s existence, but I’m sure you can imagine it if you try hard enough.  It’s a good thing I’m so desensitized that Sonic/Tails/Knuckles gangbang fan-fiction doesn’t even make me bat an eyelash anymore.

RM3

KOEI doesn’t even really make an attempt to steer the minds of their players away from the dark recesses to which we all, given the chance, typically withdraw.  Would you go to jail for this?  Take a close look at images below and you can see why Nobunaga, if alive today, would have been a prime candidate for a ride in the Party Van.

RM4

Things like this don’t translate well between eras, of course.  Unlike certain other cultures, the Western world is still a bit squeamish when it comes to embracing unabashed man-boy banana smuggling.  I’m sure that when regional lords were just chilling back in the day, doing whatever they wanted to their congressional pages and female ninjas, nobody said much about it.  Were the Oda still around in the present, however,  who knows what sort of backlash their Chris-Cornell-looking, smarmy-voiced leader might face?

RM2

Let this be a warning to you if you ever find yourself teleported to present-day North America from feudal Japan.  First, you can no longer play hide the salami with your paper boy without suffering punitive consequences.  Second, a bunch of fat weeaboo nerds are going to try to seduce your daughter if she looks even 25% Asian.

Gone To A Wedding

Posted in Uncategorized on September 25, 2009 by gtmoney519

Wedding

Amuse yourselves.

Naughty Dog Programmer Fired For Wrapping Up Storyline

Posted in Fake News with tags , on September 24, 2009 by gtmoney519

Uncharted

Naughty Dog‘s Amy Hennig confirmed today that they have fired a programmer/content writer who, as they put it “went maverick” and decided to remove all ambiguity from whether or not main character Nathan Drake had actually accomplished something.

“We were astounded,” said Hennig.  “I really didn’t think [he] would do such a thing- but sure enough, the way he designed the section, there was no doubt that Drake actually achieves his goals.  That’s not the way we do things around here.”

The work in question was being done on gameplay for what might be a future downloadable content pack.  Naughty Dog bigwigs were quick to squash the rogue coding and make it known that they would never tolerate any creative direction for the game that involved the franchise ever, ever coming to an end.  Ever.

“We want to leave everything as wide open as possible,” said Hennig of Naughty Dog’s philosophy.  “It’s not even written in stone that Nathan Drake is human, honestly.  That means the whole space angle is still in play for future sequels.”  Clouds appeared over her brow.  “Nathan Drake WILL have a lot of adventures.  Anyone who tries to ever bring Nathan Drake’s story to any sort of final conclusion will be on the fucking breadlines within a day!”

An unidentified man in a corner office, speaking via anonymity afforded by a huge, impenetrable stack of money, echoed Hellig’s sentiments.  “Fuck you if you expect closure out of Uncharted 3,” he said.  “We’re not even going to let you know if you successfully beat the game or not.”