Archive for baseball

Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 3

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , on September 29, 2009 by gtmoney519


Game 3 – Friday, April 10th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 12,  New York Yankees 2

The fans lining up at Nintendo Park for this historic series between the New York Yankees and an all-star squad of their favorite video game characters are concerned with who will be there.  The New York Yankees, though, are focused on who isn’t in uniform.  Untimely injuries to Hideki Matsui (who tweaked a hamstring in Game 2) and Alex Rodriguez have left their mighty lineup depleted, a state that is akin to a death sentence against pitchers with stuff the likes of which no MLB hitter has ever seen. 

This was no more apparent than Friday evening, when the middle of the Yankee batting order couldn’t touch VGA starting pitcher Mega-Man, a diminutive blue dynamo crafted by Dr. Light to save the world.  Yankee slugger Mark Teixeira was unapologetic about his 0-4, 2 K line.  “That guy has an absolute cannon for an arm,” he remarked.  “That isn’t a metaphor or whatever.  It’s an actual cannon.”

Indeed, some of Mega Man’s offerings sailed over the plate in excess of 120 mph, leaving Yankee hitters to shake their heads.  In the early innings, when Mega Man was charging up his Mega Buster before each delivery, some refused to stand in the batters box.  Said one Yankee player on condition of anonymity:  “If you think I’m standing anywhere near home plate with that s–t going on, you’re f—ing crazy.”

Only backup outfielder Brett Gardner had any luck, hitting a perfect 3 for 3.  The Holly Hill, SC product only smiled when asked his secret.  “I just sat on the fastball, started my swing early, and hoped,” he said.  Despite Gardner’s performance, the Yankees couldn’t muster much at the plate until Mega Man switched to a more conventional, non-charged-Buster delivery in the 7th inning- a move that ruffled some feathers on the Yankee bench.

“They say he’s a nice guy and wasn’t trying to show us up,” commented Joe Girardi, “but we’re grown men.”

The consensus in the Yankee clubhouse is that the series might be different if the team were healthy.  Hideki Matsui, sidelined for this game with a bothersome hamstring, agreed.  “He may be Mega Man over here but I know him as Rock Man,” he explained.  “I feel like I could have helped us out there today.  And no question, A-Rod too.”

Some opposing players quickly grew tired of the excuses they heard coming from the Yankees at the post-game presser.  Cloud Strife, speaking to reporters after the game, was the first to directly address the issue.  “I’m out six weeks with [this wrist injury], so they have no right to complain about guys being hurt.  A-Rod may be a good player but the guy we have replacing me is a f—ing scientist who sits around on his laptop all day, watching Policenauts episodes…so I don’t want to hear their b—-ing.”  Indeed Hal Emmerich was 0-5 on the day with three rally-killing strikeouts.

There was some disharmony during the game as well, as hot-headed powerhouse Lu Bu destroyed the team’s water cooler and attacked a bat rack when All-Stars manager FuSoYa decided to send up weak-hitting Professor Layton to pinch-hit for him.  He disappeared into the clubhouse and was livid after the game.

“I want to know what sort of weakling he thinks I am!” he seethed.  He left soon after on his horse, Red Hare, and refused to talk further with reporters.

Professor Layton seemed embarassed about the whole thing, as he was struck out swinging by Mariano Rivera.  “Oh dear.  I just couldn’t solve his fastball,” he admitted.

The Yankees now find themselves on the brink of elimination…but on the bright side they have some time to take care of the injury problems that have plagued them.  Because of scheduling conflicts (many of the All-Stars have other commitments besides baseball, such as saving the Mushroom Kingdom) the next game won’t take place for several months, when the Video Game All-Stars visit the new Yankee Stadium.


The All-Stars lead the series 3-0. 

To be continued in Part 4.


Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 2

Posted in Fake News, Final Fantasy, Sports Games, Square-Enix with tags , , , , on September 24, 2009 by gtmoney519


Game 2 – Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 17,  New York Yankees 1

After a sound defeat in Game 1 of the series, a proud Yankees team was ready to return to Nintendo Park and even things up.

The home team made sure that didn’t happen.

Pouncing on beleaguered Yankee starter Andy Pettitte from the very first pitch, the All-Stars crushed the Yankees 17-1 in a game that many fans knew was over before the first inning had even concluded.  Seven of the runs were surrendered by Pettitte, who threw only 34 pitches before getting the hook.  The veteren hurler took it in stride.  “They have a combat android on their team,” he said, matter-of-factly.  “What do you want from me?” 

Overall, the Yankee staff had a bad day, even surrendering three RBI singles to weak-hitting anime otaku Hal Emmerich.  The All-Stars’ catcher, Diddy Kong, did the most damage with a perfect 5-5 afternoon at the plate.  Joe Girardi offered one possible explanation at the post-game press conference for the little monkey’s peak performance.  “Typically our guys’ stuff will sink away from a hitter…but he’s already right down there.”

Despite the scoring gap, tempers were kept in check.  Rumors were heard after the game that one Yankee reliever was considering throwing high and inside at an All-Stars hitter, only to be informed that the pitcher for the opposing team was a Shotokan Karate master who could hurl energy balls from his palms.  An unnamed source in the Yankee clubhouse had this to say:  “Jeter just walked up to the kid and said, ‘If you throw at one of them, I’m going to kill you.'”

The home team was firing on all cylinders and the sentiment around the locker room was that a four-game sweep was a foregone conclusion.  Indeed, if anything sabotages this talented lineup of gaming stars, it will be internal strife.  Cloud Strife, that is.  Nursing a wrist injury and out an estimated six weeks, Strife declined to comment on the Yankees and instead focused on the 0-5 hitting performance of his teammate, Sephiroth. 

“He says he will never be ‘only a memory’, but today his bat speed certainly was,” said Strife.

Asked to comment, the silver-haired slugger only shrugged.  “He can say what he wants.  I still murdered his girlfriend in front of him,” he replied.

For the Yankees, the focus now turns to whether or not manager Joe Girardi can come up with a lineup for Game 3 that will make a dent in the All-Stars pitching.  “It’s tough,” the skipper conceded.  “Masters was really throwing habookens out there.  Is that how you say it?  Habookens?…It’s hadoukens?  Well, whatever.”


The All-Stars lead the series 2-0. 

To be continued in Part 3.

What If A Team Of Video Game Characters Played A Series Against The New York Yankees?

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , , on September 22, 2009 by gtmoney519


While ostensibly a jock, hedge fund manager sort of game, Out Of The Park Baseball 10 can be turned to the Light Side with a little hard work.  It’s as big a sandbox as they come- a huge, smoke-billowing statistics factory with a level of complexity that is begging to be turned away from baseball and toward some greater pursuit, like Japanese teenagers saving the world.  That said, if there isn’t a super-villain in stasis somewhere waiting for the stars to align right so he or she can become a God, we can at least take out our world-saving inclinations on the New York Yankees.

Here’s the team I put together:


As you can see it’s a real Murderer’s Row.  Below are the results of the team’s games against the Yankees, which are part of a larger simulated season (hence the various season statistics on the right side of the box score). 

(Yankees fans will quickly notice that certain liberties are taken with the lineup and roster.   If you see a player missing or one you don’t recognize, the reason is probably an injury and a resulting minor-league callup or trade by the A.I…or simply an out-of-date roster in my version of OOTPX.)

Game 1 – Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 6, New York Yankees 1

53,000 fans gathered at Nintendo Park today to watch the newly formed “Video Game All-Stars” baseball team face off against the class of the American League, the New York Yankees.  Those hoping to see heroics from their pixelated childhood heroes didn’t go home disappointed, as the home team defeated the men in pinstripes by a score of 6-1 behind a strong pitching performance by genetically engineered super-soldier Solid Snake.

“A-Rod didn’t play,” quipped a fan outside the stadium.  “Maybe the new version of FOXDIE targets overpaid, philandering, steroid-enhanced douche bags!”

Snake pitched seven strong innings, scattering seven hits but never giving the Yankees much confidence.  The grizzled combat veteran spent most of the game pitching with an unorthodox style that allowed him to grip the ball and his combat knife in the same hand.  Yankees manager Joe Girardi considered asking umpires to stop the game.  “I thought that damn knife was going to come to home plate with the ball a couple of times,” he complained.  “I look over and Robinson [Cano] is digging in four feet off the plate.  I know intimidation is part of the game, but that’s going too far.”

Cano had his own explanation for his struggles at the plate.  “He was scuffing up the ball, camoflaging it,” he said, simply.  “They can fine me or whatever.  I saw him cutting up the ball, and you can print that.” 

Snake was issued a delay-of-game warning on two occasions, once for hiding in a box for a prolonged period of time, and once for kneeling and carrying on a prolonged CODEC conversation with pitching coach Mei Ling while Derek Jeter was at the plate.

Yankee hurler Chien-Ming Wang wasn’t as successful as his counterpart, but Girardi gave his struggling pitchers a pass for a rough outing.  “Ten walks sounds like a lot…but my scouts tell me they have a guy who can cut bullets in half using a sword that must weigh 100 pounds.  You’re going to give THAT guy something to hit?” 

The lone bright spot for the Yankees was catcher Jorge Posada, who not only was able to solve Snake (going 2 for 4 on the day), but also threw out Sonic the Hedgehog trying to steal second base on two seperate occasions. 

“My nephews were all like ‘You threw out Sonic!  You threw out Sonic!'” commented Posada.  “Is he supposed to be a big deal or something?  Joe told me, ‘Watch this guy, he likes to run.’  When he took off, the whole stadium knew it was coming.”

Though Posada was nonchalant, the double CS box score caused a lot of ribbing in the VGA locker room that eventually boiled over into a minor scuffle between Sonic and utility infielder Professor Oak.

“You’re Sonic the f—ing Hedgehog and you get thrown out by Jorge f—ing Posada?” Oak reportedly said, speaking to reporters after the game.  “He’s supposed to get on base and make things happen for the team.  Jesus, Jorge Posada…f—, I can’t believe it.  Talk about losing a step.  No wonder his last bunch of games have been such s–t!”

Sonic happened to be nearby and the two exchanged words, but were quickly seperated by teammates.  Asked later for comment, Sonic said, “F— Oak, he has no business talking about the game of baseball.  The first time we handed him a baseball, he tried to summon a Snorlax out of it.”

Here’s the final box score:


The VG All-Stars lead the series 1-0.

To be continued in Part 2.