Archive for MMA

I Kid, I Kid

Posted in MMA, Shooters with tags , , on November 20, 2009 by gtmoney519

I want to make it clear that I support all the unfortunate but brave men and women out there who are fighting hard against their addictions.

That said…

It’s not every day that MMA and video games collide.

MMA News: Machida Trained At Grotto Mall For Evans Fight

Posted in Fake News, MMA, Nintendo, Old School, Sports Games with tags , , , , , on October 10, 2009 by gtmoney519

MachidaTrainingTItle

If you thought Lyoto Machida’s training methods were eccentric before, you haven’t seen anything yet.  When he’s not in the cage or avoiding a fight with the only guy who can possibly beat him, Machida is hard at work developing new techniques to keep him one step ahead of the next generation of MMA Fighters.  We here at TGIP have the scoop:

MachidaTraining1

Above, you can see Lyoto loitering around the Grotto Mall.  He looks nonchalant but soon slips in the door:

MachidaTraining2

And of course as we know by now, this was the result:

MachidaTraining3

Next:  Shane Carwin gets ready to fight Brock Lesnar by eating a shitload of Merv Burgers. 

Of course, he wouldn’t be the first fighter to prepare that way.

EA Sports MMA Packaging Revealed

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , on September 24, 2009 by gtmoney519

After some poking around I stumbled upon what looks to be the packaging for the upcoming EA Sports MMA game.  EA finds itself in an foreign territory with this game because they’re in the unfamiliar position of not having access to the best athlete likeness rights.  You see, the UFC employs a big percentage of the world’s best mixed martial artists, and they recently came out with their own game.

Nonetheless, EA is chugging forward with their game.  They have Fedor Emelianenko, thought to be the best heavyweight on the planet, and they managed to snag Randy Couture during the five minutes that both he and Dana White had sand in their vaginas

As for the game itself, it looks like they’re filling the void by branching off into truths of the fight game that the UFC avoids.  Here’s the box: 

EASportsMMAFront

The game looks pretty good until you turn it over and see what they were left with without a UFC license.

EASportsMMABack

Of course, I know a way the game can be saved from all ills, whatever else befalls it. 

Two words:

SAKU
RABA

(Edit/Addition:  I just saw on the EA Sports MMA page that they have added Renato ‘Babalu’ Sobral and television actor Richard Belzer to the game.  Wait, that’s Frank Shamrock?  Shit.  Father Time by decision.  And as for Sobral, Mousasi did things to him not even a month ago that are illegal in 49 states.  But hey, I know if I wanted to hype up my game the first thing I’d do is front page a dinosaur and some guy who just got steamrolled in a minute and a half.)

Dana White: Cro Cop “Undisputed” Stats Now To Be Even Shittier

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , , on September 22, 2009 by gtmoney519

DW

Fresh off his uninspiring loss to Junior Dos Santos at UFC 103, fading heavyweight MMA icon Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic was greeted with the sad news that his character stats in “UFC Undisputed”, which were already well off the level of a top performer, are going to be falling even further.

“It’s disappointing, you know,” said Filipovic to Croatian newspaper Jutarnji.  “I thought for all I did for the sport he could at least rate me higher than Antoni Hardonk.” 

White was far from contrite when questioned about the stat shift.  “We don’t think people want to fuckin’ play as the Cro Cop that demolished the Pride OWGP.  We think guys are sitting in their living rooms sayin’, you know, ‘Hey, this shit between Cro Cop and Mustapha al-Turk could be anyone’s ballgame.’  We’re going to lower him down to like, 75 overall so he can get fucked up by Brandon Vera over and over again.  I don’t know about you, but I get jacked watching him lose a decision to Cheick Kongo.”

Asked what other concessions future Undisputed iterations could make in the name of realism, White outlined several things that are purportedly on the drawing board for Undisputed 2010.  “Career mode is going to include Rampage Jackson fucking off from a fight to go and play B.A. Baracus in a Hollywood film,” he said.  “And we’re going to have it so that there’s some percent chance of Tim Sylvia shitting himself.  It’s all going to be in there.  Then we’re going to put in a Fedor Emelianenko career mode where you get points for ducking quality opponents and fighting fucking tomato cans and pituitary cases in Japan.”

Asked about a possible legal issue with Emelianenko’s likeness, White waved his hand.  “We’ll just call him Bedor Benilianenko, people will get the idea.”

(Ok, a quick note:  I have never played UFC Undisputed 2009 and I don’t plan to, but I *am* a fan of MMA.  The first thing I noticed when flipping through the strategy guide was that Cro Cop was in the game, but at a stat level commensurate with his performance in the UFC, where he’s looked like utter shit every time he’s stepped into the ring.  UFC Undisputed needs a “legend mode” where you can play as a fighter during his prime.  In 2-3 years Chuck Liddell and Wanderlei Silva are going to be ready for the old-age home but there’s no need to push them off onto a gaming ice floe to die like a pair of Inuit grandparents.)