Archive for the Fake News Category

MMA News: Machida Trained At Grotto Mall For Evans Fight

Posted in Fake News, MMA, Nintendo, Old School, Sports Games with tags , , , , , on October 10, 2009 by gtmoney519

MachidaTrainingTItle

If you thought Lyoto Machida’s training methods were eccentric before, you haven’t seen anything yet.  When he’s not in the cage or avoiding a fight with the only guy who can possibly beat him, Machida is hard at work developing new techniques to keep him one step ahead of the next generation of MMA Fighters.  We here at TGIP have the scoop:

MachidaTraining1

Above, you can see Lyoto loitering around the Grotto Mall.  He looks nonchalant but soon slips in the door:

MachidaTraining2

And of course as we know by now, this was the result:

MachidaTraining3

Next:  Shane Carwin gets ready to fight Brock Lesnar by eating a shitload of Merv Burgers. 

Of course, he wouldn’t be the first fighter to prepare that way.

Prince/King Of All Cosmos Featured On A&E Television

Posted in Fake News, If Games Were Real with tags , , , on October 9, 2009 by gtmoney519

KatamariHoarder

Has anyone ever seen the show “Hoarders”? It’s a show filled with the least sympathetic mentally-ill people in captivity, a nonstop parade of white neurotics with no grip on reality.  It strikes me that many video game characters could use the help of a professional organizer or life coach.

Yes, we were naughty.  But just between you and us, it felt quite good to update again.

Interview: 9 New Features In NBA 2K10

Posted in Basketball, Fake News, Lists, Sports Games with tags , , , , on October 2, 2009 by gtmoney519

NBATitle

TGIP:  Hi everyone, we’re here with NBA 2K10 lead designer Erick Boenisch to talk about some of the new features that the latest iteration of the series brings to the table.  Erick, thanks for being with us.

EB:  No problem.

1.  “Social Networking” Statistical Ratings

TGIP:  The NBA recently put the kibosh on tweeting and other forms of social networking during games, and team owners are making sure that their players are aware of the pitfalls of this new phenomenon.  This isn’t your daddy’s NBA, is it?

EB:  No sir, and 2K Sports is right there with “Social Networking” statistical ratings.

TGIP:  Explain to me how that works.

EB:  It’s like any other statistic.  Three point shooting, shot blocking, they’re all measured on a 1-100 scale, and this will be no different.

TGIP:  What’s the benefit of having a high “Social Networking” rating?

EB:  Well, for one thing, you won’t leave suicide messages on your Twitter and get sent to rehab.

TGIP:  Ouch.

EB:  Yeah.  A player with a higher rating will be less likely to lower team morale by complaining about team chemisty on his Twitter, blasting the general manager on his blog, or by posting a photo of himself wherein two hash bricks are leaning against his passenger-side door.

Feature2

TGIP:  That sounds like a blast.  What is Shaquille O’Neal’s SN rating?

EB:  100, baby.  He’s the standard by which all others are measured.  Others with high ratings are Chris Bosh, Baron Davis…

TGIP:  What is Starbury’s rating?

EB:  12 out of a possible 100.

TGIP:  Really?

EB:  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was looking at the wrong column, that’s his 2-point field goal rating.

2.  Shaquille O’Neal Intellectual Property Theft Mode

TGIP:  What else do you have for us?

EB:  Well, we figured it would be fairly easy to model plagiarism, so we did that with “IP Theft Mode”, where teammates chemistry can suddenly drop when one makes a television show out of an idea the other had, and claims it was his idea.

Feature1

TGIP:  And how does that effect gameplay?

EB:  It shows up in Association mode.  Team chemistry will plunge if you don’t do something to resolve the rift.

TGIP:  And how do you do that?

EB:  You get a menu option where you can either give the guy a producer credit or tell him to f— himself.

3.  Enhanced Training/Rehab Options

TGIP:  There seems to be a lot of depth to Association mode in this iteration, more than ever before.

EB:  Yeah- you will really feel like you are running the team, right down to managing how your stars come back from major injuries.  We’ve added a lot of depth this year…players even have “signature” training methods that have greater effects than the standard.

TGIP:  For example?

EB:  Well, Gilbert Arenas can train or rehab by sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber or oxygen tent.  That’s his signature menu choice.  He has other options too, like swimming, calisthenics, the treadmill, no-contact drills…you can micromanage every aspect of his recovery. 

TGIP:  Awesome!  His knee will finally be 100%.

EB:  Nope.

Feature3

TGIP:  Any other signature choices?

EB:  Yao Ming has a choice unique only to him where he trains by taking nonstop 16 hour flights and getting worked to death by the Chinese National Team.  It actually WORSENS injuries.

TGIP:  Why would you choose it?

EB:  The game chooses it for you.

4.  CAPBLASTER! Minigame

TGIP:  I heard a rumor that you guys added some Easter Eggs this year.

EB:  (laughs) Yeah, you caught us.  If you hit a certain combination of buttons you can play “CAPBLASTER!”, a bullet-hell game featuring Rip Hamilton.  You control a $34,000,000 ship and every time some cap space floats onto the screen, you blast it to smithereens. 

TGIP:  What other features does Rip’s ship have?

EB:  If you hit circle, it plays a recording of him saying “Me, ref?”  The ship also has a special attack where it sulks if the 2P ship is getting most of the action.

TGIP:  Who is the 2P ship?

EB:  Kenyon Martin.

Feature4

TGIP:  Old-school graphics…but why a space game?

EB:  It’s not science fiction- it’s an actual representation of the technology we’ll have access to by the time the Pistons are any good again.

5.  Delonte West Offseason Mode

TGIP:  Any new modes to tell us about?

EB:  Yeah- we’re branching out.  I can’t say too much about this one, but here’s a screenshot:

Feature5

TGIP:  Let’s move on.

EB:  Yeah, I’m not sure that will make the final game, you know?

6.  Quitting On The Coach Option

TGIP:  Yes, back to basketball.  I heard a rumor of team-specific menu commands.

EB:  That rumor is a bit overblown- there’s really only one unique option and it’s for one team in particular.

Feature6

TGIP:  What effect does that menu choice have?

EB:  The stats of all of your players go down by 30% across the board.

TGIP:  Does the option only appear if Mike Dunleavy is coaching the team?

EB:  We thought about that, but honestly, Baron Davis can quit on any coach. 

7.  Josh Howard National Anthem Customizer

TGIP:  Moving on, I see you added some spiffy effects to the pre-game options.

EB:  Yes indeed.  We animated the entire national anthem and introductions, and we’re letting the player dictate exactly how his players act during the anthem in Association mode.

Feature7

TGIP:  What happens if a player doesn’t stand as if he’s got a broom up his ass during the anthem?

EB:  Nothing.

TGIP:  I said ‘player’, not ‘white player’.

EB:  Oh.  In that case, expect a lot of frightening emails from southern states.

TGIP:  Anything more to know about this mode?

EB:  Two players have signature anthem behaviors:  Josh Howard and-

TGIP:  Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf?

EB:  Bingo.  We snuck him into the game just for this mode.

8.  Joe Johnson Health/Energy Meter

TGIP:  I saw a screenshot somewhere of Joe Johnson with health bar…what is that about?

EB:  Oh, that’s another new feature!  Basically, we added a bar to alert Hawks fans to the exact point in the middle of the season where Joe runs out of gas and starts playing like s–t.  It happens every year so we can just re-use the code for NBA 2K11.  We coded it for about 45 games, which is actually a bit generous.

Feature8

TGIP:  Is there any way to toggle whether or not Josh Smith takes perimeter shots?

EB:  Just like in real life, no.  But you can always just control him in-game and make sure he always goes to the hole.  And speaking of toggles…

9.  Memphis Grizzlies Selective Control Locks

TGIP:  That must be a segue into the team-wide control input locks.

EB:  Yes.  Basically, there’s a pass button in the game but every time we would do QA testing for the Grizzlies, it would never come up.  The team actually plays most realistically if you disable that input button.  It’s the only one we have on by default.

Feature9

TGIP:  Are there any others in the game?

EB:  The Golden State Warriors can’t hit the pause button.  The New York Knicks can’t hit the button to contest shots.  Ron Artest can’t hit the button to put on his pants before boarding the team bus.

TGIP:  Fascinating.  Well, that’s all the time we have, Erick.  Thanks so much for dropping by, and congratulations on a great game.

EB:  My pleasure.

Aborted PSP GO Marketing Plan Revealed

Posted in Fake News, PSP with tags , , , , on September 30, 2009 by gtmoney519

PSPGoFuckYourself

It was probably a good idea to simply shorten the name to “PSP Go”.

Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 3

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , on September 29, 2009 by gtmoney519

VGSPlash2

Game 3 – Friday, April 10th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 12,  New York Yankees 2

The fans lining up at Nintendo Park for this historic series between the New York Yankees and an all-star squad of their favorite video game characters are concerned with who will be there.  The New York Yankees, though, are focused on who isn’t in uniform.  Untimely injuries to Hideki Matsui (who tweaked a hamstring in Game 2) and Alex Rodriguez have left their mighty lineup depleted, a state that is akin to a death sentence against pitchers with stuff the likes of which no MLB hitter has ever seen. 

This was no more apparent than Friday evening, when the middle of the Yankee batting order couldn’t touch VGA starting pitcher Mega-Man, a diminutive blue dynamo crafted by Dr. Light to save the world.  Yankee slugger Mark Teixeira was unapologetic about his 0-4, 2 K line.  “That guy has an absolute cannon for an arm,” he remarked.  “That isn’t a metaphor or whatever.  It’s an actual cannon.”

Indeed, some of Mega Man’s offerings sailed over the plate in excess of 120 mph, leaving Yankee hitters to shake their heads.  In the early innings, when Mega Man was charging up his Mega Buster before each delivery, some refused to stand in the batters box.  Said one Yankee player on condition of anonymity:  “If you think I’m standing anywhere near home plate with that s–t going on, you’re f—ing crazy.”

Only backup outfielder Brett Gardner had any luck, hitting a perfect 3 for 3.  The Holly Hill, SC product only smiled when asked his secret.  “I just sat on the fastball, started my swing early, and hoped,” he said.  Despite Gardner’s performance, the Yankees couldn’t muster much at the plate until Mega Man switched to a more conventional, non-charged-Buster delivery in the 7th inning- a move that ruffled some feathers on the Yankee bench.

“They say he’s a nice guy and wasn’t trying to show us up,” commented Joe Girardi, “but we’re grown men.”

The consensus in the Yankee clubhouse is that the series might be different if the team were healthy.  Hideki Matsui, sidelined for this game with a bothersome hamstring, agreed.  “He may be Mega Man over here but I know him as Rock Man,” he explained.  “I feel like I could have helped us out there today.  And no question, A-Rod too.”

Some opposing players quickly grew tired of the excuses they heard coming from the Yankees at the post-game presser.  Cloud Strife, speaking to reporters after the game, was the first to directly address the issue.  “I’m out six weeks with [this wrist injury], so they have no right to complain about guys being hurt.  A-Rod may be a good player but the guy we have replacing me is a f—ing scientist who sits around on his laptop all day, watching Policenauts episodes…so I don’t want to hear their b—-ing.”  Indeed Hal Emmerich was 0-5 on the day with three rally-killing strikeouts.

There was some disharmony during the game as well, as hot-headed powerhouse Lu Bu destroyed the team’s water cooler and attacked a bat rack when All-Stars manager FuSoYa decided to send up weak-hitting Professor Layton to pinch-hit for him.  He disappeared into the clubhouse and was livid after the game.

“I want to know what sort of weakling he thinks I am!” he seethed.  He left soon after on his horse, Red Hare, and refused to talk further with reporters.

Professor Layton seemed embarassed about the whole thing, as he was struck out swinging by Mariano Rivera.  “Oh dear.  I just couldn’t solve his fastball,” he admitted.

The Yankees now find themselves on the brink of elimination…but on the bright side they have some time to take care of the injury problems that have plagued them.  Because of scheduling conflicts (many of the All-Stars have other commitments besides baseball, such as saving the Mushroom Kingdom) the next game won’t take place for several months, when the Video Game All-Stars visit the new Yankee Stadium.

BoxScore3

The All-Stars lead the series 3-0. 

To be continued in Part 4.

Naughty Dog Programmer Fired For Wrapping Up Storyline

Posted in Fake News with tags , on September 24, 2009 by gtmoney519

Uncharted

Naughty Dog‘s Amy Hennig confirmed today that they have fired a programmer/content writer who, as they put it “went maverick” and decided to remove all ambiguity from whether or not main character Nathan Drake had actually accomplished something.

“We were astounded,” said Hennig.  “I really didn’t think [he] would do such a thing- but sure enough, the way he designed the section, there was no doubt that Drake actually achieves his goals.  That’s not the way we do things around here.”

The work in question was being done on gameplay for what might be a future downloadable content pack.  Naughty Dog bigwigs were quick to squash the rogue coding and make it known that they would never tolerate any creative direction for the game that involved the franchise ever, ever coming to an end.  Ever.

“We want to leave everything as wide open as possible,” said Hennig of Naughty Dog’s philosophy.  “It’s not even written in stone that Nathan Drake is human, honestly.  That means the whole space angle is still in play for future sequels.”  Clouds appeared over her brow.  “Nathan Drake WILL have a lot of adventures.  Anyone who tries to ever bring Nathan Drake’s story to any sort of final conclusion will be on the fucking breadlines within a day!”

An unidentified man in a corner office, speaking via anonymity afforded by a huge, impenetrable stack of money, echoed Hellig’s sentiments.  “Fuck you if you expect closure out of Uncharted 3,” he said.  “We’re not even going to let you know if you successfully beat the game or not.”

EA Sports MMA Packaging Revealed

Posted in Fake News, Sports Games with tags , , on September 24, 2009 by gtmoney519

After some poking around I stumbled upon what looks to be the packaging for the upcoming EA Sports MMA game.  EA finds itself in an foreign territory with this game because they’re in the unfamiliar position of not having access to the best athlete likeness rights.  You see, the UFC employs a big percentage of the world’s best mixed martial artists, and they recently came out with their own game.

Nonetheless, EA is chugging forward with their game.  They have Fedor Emelianenko, thought to be the best heavyweight on the planet, and they managed to snag Randy Couture during the five minutes that both he and Dana White had sand in their vaginas

As for the game itself, it looks like they’re filling the void by branching off into truths of the fight game that the UFC avoids.  Here’s the box: 

EASportsMMAFront

The game looks pretty good until you turn it over and see what they were left with without a UFC license.

EASportsMMABack

Of course, I know a way the game can be saved from all ills, whatever else befalls it. 

Two words:

SAKU
RABA

(Edit/Addition:  I just saw on the EA Sports MMA page that they have added Renato ‘Babalu’ Sobral and television actor Richard Belzer to the game.  Wait, that’s Frank Shamrock?  Shit.  Father Time by decision.  And as for Sobral, Mousasi did things to him not even a month ago that are illegal in 49 states.  But hey, I know if I wanted to hype up my game the first thing I’d do is front page a dinosaur and some guy who just got steamrolled in a minute and a half.)