I Kid, I Kid

I want to make it clear that I support all the unfortunate but brave men and women out there who are fighting hard against their addictions.

That said…

It’s not every day that MMA and video games collide.

MMA News: Machida Trained At Grotto Mall For Evans Fight

If you thought Lyoto Machida’s training methods were eccentric before, you haven’t seen anything yet.  When he’s not in the cage or avoiding a fight with the only guy who can possibly beat him, Machida is hard at work developing new techniques to keep him one step ahead of the next generation of MMA Fighters.  We here at TGIP have the scoop:

Above, you can see Lyoto loitering around the Grotto Mall.  He looks nonchalant but soon slips in the door:

And of course as we know by now, this was the result:

Next:  Shane Carwin gets ready to fight Brock Lesnar by eating a shitload of Merv Burgers. 

Of course, he wouldn’t be the first fighter to prepare that way.

Interview: 9 New Features In NBA 2K10

TGIP:  Hi everyone, we’re here with NBA 2K10 lead designer Erick Boenisch to talk about some of the new features that the latest iteration of the series brings to the table.  Erick, thanks for being with us.

EB:  No problem.

1.  “Social Networking” Statistical Ratings

TGIP:  The NBA recently put the kibosh on tweeting and other forms of social networking during games, and team owners are making sure that their players are aware of the pitfalls of this new phenomenon.  This isn’t your daddy’s NBA, is it?

EB:  No sir, and 2K Sports is right there with “Social Networking” statistical ratings.

TGIP:  Explain to me how that works.

EB:  It’s like any other statistic.  Three point shooting, shot blocking, they’re all measured on a 1-100 scale, and this will be no different.

TGIP:  What’s the benefit of having a high “Social Networking” rating?

EB:  Well, for one thing, you won’t leave suicide messages on your Twitter and get sent to rehab.

TGIP:  Ouch.

EB:  Yeah.  A player with a higher rating will be less likely to lower team morale by complaining about team chemisty on his Twitter, blasting the general manager on his blog, or by posting a photo of himself wherein two hash bricks are leaning against his passenger-side door.

TGIP:  That sounds like a blast.  What is Shaquille O’Neal’s SN rating?

EB:  100, baby.  He’s the standard by which all others are measured.  Others with high ratings are Chris Bosh, Baron Davis…

TGIP:  What is Starbury’s rating?

EB:  12 out of a possible 100.

TGIP:  Really?

EB:  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was looking at the wrong column, that’s his 2-point field goal rating.

2.  Shaquille O’Neal Intellectual Property Theft Mode

TGIP:  What else do you have for us?

EB:  Well, we figured it would be fairly easy to model plagiarism, so we did that with “IP Theft Mode”, where teammates chemistry can suddenly drop when one makes a television show out of an idea the other had, and claims it was his idea.

TGIP:  And how does that effect gameplay?

EB:  It shows up in Association mode.  Team chemistry will plunge if you don’t do something to resolve the rift.

TGIP:  And how do you do that?

EB:  You get a menu option where you can either give the guy a producer credit or tell him to f— himself.

3.  Enhanced Training/Rehab Options

TGIP:  There seems to be a lot of depth to Association mode in this iteration, more than ever before.

EB:  Yeah- you will really feel like you are running the team, right down to managing how your stars come back from major injuries.  We’ve added a lot of depth this year…players even have “signature” training methods that have greater effects than the standard.

TGIP:  For example?

EB:  Well, Gilbert Arenas can train or rehab by sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber or oxygen tent.  That’s his signature menu choice.  He has other options too, like swimming, calisthenics, the treadmill, no-contact drills…you can micromanage every aspect of his recovery. 

TGIP:  Awesome!  His knee will finally be 100%.

EB:  Nope.

TGIP:  Any other signature choices?

EB:  Yao Ming has a choice unique only to him where he trains by taking nonstop 16 hour flights and getting worked to death by the Chinese National Team.  It actually WORSENS injuries.

TGIP:  Why would you choose it?

EB:  The game chooses it for you.

4.  CAPBLASTER! Minigame

TGIP:  I heard a rumor that you guys added some Easter Eggs this year.

EB:  (laughs) Yeah, you caught us.  If you hit a certain combination of buttons you can play “CAPBLASTER!”, a bullet-hell game featuring Rip Hamilton.  You control a $34,000,000 ship and every time some cap space floats onto the screen, you blast it to smithereens. 

TGIP:  What other features does Rip’s ship have?

EB:  If you hit circle, it plays a recording of him saying “Me, ref?”  The ship also has a special attack where it sulks if the 2P ship is getting most of the action.

TGIP:  Who is the 2P ship?

EB:  Kenyon Martin.

TGIP:  Old-school graphics…but why a space game?

EB:  It’s not science fiction- it’s an actual representation of the technology we’ll have access to by the time the Pistons are any good again.

5.  Delonte West Offseason Mode

TGIP:  Any new modes to tell us about?

EB:  Yeah- we’re branching out.  I can’t say too much about this one, but here’s a screenshot:

TGIP:  Let’s move on.

EB:  Yeah, I’m not sure that will make the final game, you know?

6.  Quitting On The Coach Option

TGIP:  Yes, back to basketball.  I heard a rumor of team-specific menu commands.

EB:  That rumor is a bit overblown- there’s really only one unique option and it’s for one team in particular.

TGIP:  What effect does that menu choice have?

EB:  The stats of all of your players go down by 30% across the board.

TGIP:  Does the option only appear if Mike Dunleavy is coaching the team?

EB:  We thought about that, but honestly, Baron Davis can quit on any coach. 

7.  Josh Howard National Anthem Customizer

TGIP:  Moving on, I see you added some spiffy effects to the pre-game options.

EB:  Yes indeed.  We animated the entire national anthem and introductions, and we’re letting the player dictate exactly how his players act during the anthem in Association mode.

TGIP:  What happens if a player doesn’t stand as if he’s got a broom up his ass during the anthem?

EB:  Nothing.

TGIP:  I said ‘player’, not ‘white player’.

EB:  Oh.  In that case, expect a lot of frightening emails from southern states.

TGIP:  Anything more to know about this mode?

EB:  Two players have signature anthem behaviors:  Josh Howard and-

TGIP:  Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf?

EB:  Bingo.  We snuck him into the game just for this mode.

8.  Joe Johnson Health/Energy Meter

TGIP:  I saw a screenshot somewhere of Joe Johnson with health bar…what is that about?

EB:  Oh, that’s another new feature!  Basically, we added a bar to alert Hawks fans to the exact point in the middle of the season where Joe runs out of gas and starts playing like s–t.  It happens every year so we can just re-use the code for NBA 2K11.  We coded it for about 45 games, which is actually a bit generous.

TGIP:  Is there any way to toggle whether or not Josh Smith takes perimeter shots?

EB:  Just like in real life, no.  But you can always just control him in-game and make sure he always goes to the hole.  And speaking of toggles…

9.  Memphis Grizzlies Selective Control Locks

TGIP:  That must be a segue into the team-wide control input locks.

EB:  Yes.  Basically, there’s a pass button in the game but every time we would do QA testing for the Grizzlies, it would never come up.  The team actually plays most realistically if you disable that input button.  It’s the only one we have on by default.

TGIP:  Are there any others in the game?

EB:  The Golden State Warriors can’t hit the pause button.  The New York Knicks can’t hit the button to contest shots.  Ron Artest can’t hit the button to put on his pants before boarding the team bus.

TGIP:  Fascinating.  Well, that’s all the time we have, Erick.  Thanks so much for dropping by, and congratulations on a great game.

EB:  My pleasure.

Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 3

Game 3 – Friday, April 10th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 12,  New York Yankees 2

The fans lining up at Nintendo Park for this historic series between the New York Yankees and an all-star squad of their favorite video game characters are concerned with who will be there.  The New York Yankees, though, are focused on who isn’t in uniform.  Untimely injuries to Hideki Matsui (who tweaked a hamstring in Game 2) and Alex Rodriguez have left their mighty lineup depleted, a state that is akin to a death sentence against pitchers with stuff the likes of which no MLB hitter has ever seen. 

This was no more apparent than Friday evening, when the middle of the Yankee batting order couldn’t touch VGA starting pitcher Mega-Man, a diminutive blue dynamo crafted by Dr. Light to save the world.  Yankee slugger Mark Teixeira was unapologetic about his 0-4, 2 K line.  “That guy has an absolute cannon for an arm,” he remarked.  “That isn’t a metaphor or whatever.  It’s an actual cannon.”

Indeed, some of Mega Man’s offerings sailed over the plate in excess of 120 mph, leaving Yankee hitters to shake their heads.  In the early innings, when Mega Man was charging up his Mega Buster before each delivery, some refused to stand in the batters box.  Said one Yankee player on condition of anonymity:  “If you think I’m standing anywhere near home plate with that s–t going on, you’re f—ing crazy.”

Only backup outfielder Brett Gardner had any luck, hitting a perfect 3 for 3.  The Holly Hill, SC product only smiled when asked his secret.  “I just sat on the fastball, started my swing early, and hoped,” he said.  Despite Gardner’s performance, the Yankees couldn’t muster much at the plate until Mega Man switched to a more conventional, non-charged-Buster delivery in the 7th inning- a move that ruffled some feathers on the Yankee bench.

“They say he’s a nice guy and wasn’t trying to show us up,” commented Joe Girardi, “but we’re grown men.”

The consensus in the Yankee clubhouse is that the series might be different if the team were healthy.  Hideki Matsui, sidelined for this game with a bothersome hamstring, agreed.  “He may be Mega Man over here but I know him as Rock Man,” he explained.  “I feel like I could have helped us out there today.  And no question, A-Rod too.”

Some opposing players quickly grew tired of the excuses they heard coming from the Yankees at the post-game presser.  Cloud Strife, speaking to reporters after the game, was the first to directly address the issue.  “I’m out six weeks with [this wrist injury], so they have no right to complain about guys being hurt.  A-Rod may be a good player but the guy we have replacing me is a f—ing scientist who sits around on his laptop all day, watching Policenauts episodes…so I don’t want to hear their b—-ing.”  Indeed Hal Emmerich was 0-5 on the day with three rally-killing strikeouts.

There was some disharmony during the game as well, as hot-headed powerhouse Lu Bu destroyed the team’s water cooler and attacked a bat rack when All-Stars manager FuSoYa decided to send up weak-hitting Professor Layton to pinch-hit for him.  He disappeared into the clubhouse and was livid after the game.

“I want to know what sort of weakling he thinks I am!” he seethed.  He left soon after on his horse, Red Hare, and refused to talk further with reporters.

Professor Layton seemed embarassed about the whole thing, as he was struck out swinging by Mariano Rivera.  “Oh dear.  I just couldn’t solve his fastball,” he admitted.

The Yankees now find themselves on the brink of elimination…but on the bright side they have some time to take care of the injury problems that have plagued them.  Because of scheduling conflicts (many of the All-Stars have other commitments besides baseball, such as saving the Mushroom Kingdom) the next game won’t take place for several months, when the Video Game All-Stars visit the new Yankee Stadium.

The All-Stars lead the series 3-0. 

To be continued in Part 4.

EA Sports MMA Packaging Revealed

After some poking around I stumbled upon what looks to be the packaging for the upcoming EA Sports MMA game.  EA finds itself in an foreign territory with this game because they’re in the unfamiliar position of not having access to the best athlete likeness rights.  You see, the UFC employs a big percentage of the world’s best mixed martial artists, and they recently came out with their own game.

Nonetheless, EA is chugging forward with their game.  They have Fedor Emelianenko, thought to be the best heavyweight on the planet, and they managed to snag Randy Couture during the five minutes that both he and Dana White had sand in their vaginas. 

As for the game itself, it looks like they’re filling the void by branching off into truths of the fight game that the UFC avoids.  Here’s the box: 

The game looks pretty good until you turn it over and see what they were left with without a UFC license.

Of course, I know a way the game can be saved from all ills, whatever else befalls it. 

Two words:

SAKU
RABA

(Edit/Addition:  I just saw on the EA Sports MMA page that they have added Renato ‘Babalu’ Sobral and television actor Richard Belzer to the game.  Wait, that’s Frank Shamrock?  Shit.  Father Time by decision.  And as for Sobral, Mousasi did things to him not even a month ago that are illegal in 49 states.  But hey, I know if I wanted to hype up my game the first thing I’d do is front page a dinosaur and some guy who just got steamrolled in a minute and a half.)

Video Game Characters Vs. New York Yankees, Game 2

Game 2 – Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 17,  New York Yankees 1

After a sound defeat in Game 1 of the series, a proud Yankees team was ready to return to Nintendo Park and even things up.

The home team made sure that didn’t happen.

Pouncing on beleaguered Yankee starter Andy Pettitte from the very first pitch, the All-Stars crushed the Yankees 17-1 in a game that many fans knew was over before the first inning had even concluded.  Seven of the runs were surrendered by Pettitte, who threw only 34 pitches before getting the hook.  The veteren hurler took it in stride.  “They have a combat android on their team,” he said, matter-of-factly.  “What do you want from me?” 

Overall, the Yankee staff had a bad day, even surrendering three RBI singles to weak-hitting anime otaku Hal Emmerich.  The All-Stars’ catcher, Diddy Kong, did the most damage with a perfect 5-5 afternoon at the plate.  Joe Girardi offered one possible explanation at the post-game press conference for the little monkey’s peak performance.  “Typically our guys’ stuff will sink away from a hitter…but he’s already right down there.”

Despite the scoring gap, tempers were kept in check.  Rumors were heard after the game that one Yankee reliever was considering throwing high and inside at an All-Stars hitter, only to be informed that the pitcher for the opposing team was a Shotokan Karate master who could hurl energy balls from his palms.  An unnamed source in the Yankee clubhouse had this to say:  “Jeter just walked up to the kid and said, ‘If you throw at one of them, I’m going to kill you.'”

The home team was firing on all cylinders and the sentiment around the locker room was that a four-game sweep was a foregone conclusion.  Indeed, if anything sabotages this talented lineup of gaming stars, it will be internal strife.  Cloud Strife, that is.  Nursing a wrist injury and out an estimated six weeks, Strife declined to comment on the Yankees and instead focused on the 0-5 hitting performance of his teammate, Sephiroth. 

“He says he will never be ‘only a memory’, but today his bat speed certainly was,” said Strife.

Asked to comment, the silver-haired slugger only shrugged.  “He can say what he wants.  I still murdered his girlfriend in front of him,” he replied.

For the Yankees, the focus now turns to whether or not manager Joe Girardi can come up with a lineup for Game 3 that will make a dent in the All-Stars pitching.  “It’s tough,” the skipper conceded.  “Masters was really throwing habookens out there.  Is that how you say it?  Habookens?…It’s hadoukens?  Well, whatever.”

The All-Stars lead the series 2-0. 

To be continued in Part 3.

What If A Team Of Video Game Characters Played A Series Against The New York Yankees?

While ostensibly a jock, hedge fund manager sort of game, Out Of The Park Baseball 10 can be turned to the Light Side with a little hard work.  It’s as big a sandbox as they come- a huge, smoke-billowing statistics factory with a level of complexity that is begging to be turned away from baseball and toward some greater pursuit, like Japanese teenagers saving the world.  That said, if there isn’t a super-villain in stasis somewhere waiting for the stars to align right so he or she can become a God, we can at least take out our world-saving inclinations on the New York Yankees.

Here’s the team I put together:

As you can see it’s a real Murderer’s Row.  Below are the results of the team’s games against the Yankees, which are part of a larger simulated season (hence the various season statistics on the right side of the box score). 

(Yankees fans will quickly notice that certain liberties are taken with the lineup and roster.   If you see a player missing or one you don’t recognize, the reason is probably an injury and a resulting minor-league callup or trade by the A.I…or simply an out-of-date roster in my version of OOTPX.)

Game 1 – Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Video Game All-Stars 6, New York Yankees 1

53,000 fans gathered at Nintendo Park today to watch the newly formed “Video Game All-Stars” baseball team face off against the class of the American League, the New York Yankees.  Those hoping to see heroics from their pixelated childhood heroes didn’t go home disappointed, as the home team defeated the men in pinstripes by a score of 6-1 behind a strong pitching performance by genetically engineered super-soldier Solid Snake.

“A-Rod didn’t play,” quipped a fan outside the stadium.  “Maybe the new version of FOXDIE targets overpaid, philandering, steroid-enhanced douche bags!”

Snake pitched seven strong innings, scattering seven hits but never giving the Yankees much confidence.  The grizzled combat veteran spent most of the game pitching with an unorthodox style that allowed him to grip the ball and his combat knife in the same hand.  Yankees manager Joe Girardi considered asking umpires to stop the game.  “I thought that damn knife was going to come to home plate with the ball a couple of times,” he complained.  “I look over and Robinson [Cano] is digging in four feet off the plate.  I know intimidation is part of the game, but that’s going too far.”

Cano had his own explanation for his struggles at the plate.  “He was scuffing up the ball, camoflaging it,” he said, simply.  “They can fine me or whatever.  I saw him cutting up the ball, and you can print that.” 

Snake was issued a delay-of-game warning on two occasions, once for hiding in a box for a prolonged period of time, and once for kneeling and carrying on a prolonged CODEC conversation with pitching coach Mei Ling while Derek Jeter was at the plate.

Yankee hurler Chien-Ming Wang wasn’t as successful as his counterpart, but Girardi gave his struggling pitchers a pass for a rough outing.  “Ten walks sounds like a lot…but my scouts tell me they have a guy who can cut bullets in half using a sword that must weigh 100 pounds.  You’re going to give THAT guy something to hit?” 

The lone bright spot for the Yankees was catcher Jorge Posada, who not only was able to solve Snake (going 2 for 4 on the day), but also threw out Sonic the Hedgehog trying to steal second base on two seperate occasions. 

“My nephews were all like ‘You threw out Sonic!  You threw out Sonic!'” commented Posada.  “Is he supposed to be a big deal or something?  Joe told me, ‘Watch this guy, he likes to run.’  When he took off, the whole stadium knew it was coming.”

Though Posada was nonchalant, the double CS box score caused a lot of ribbing in the VGA locker room that eventually boiled over into a minor scuffle between Sonic and utility infielder Professor Oak.

“You’re Sonic the f—ing Hedgehog and you get thrown out by Jorge f—ing Posada?” Oak reportedly said, speaking to reporters after the game.  “He’s supposed to get on base and make things happen for the team.  Jesus, Jorge Posada…f—, I can’t believe it.  Talk about losing a step.  No wonder his last bunch of games have been such s–t!”

Sonic happened to be nearby and the two exchanged words, but were quickly seperated by teammates.  Asked later for comment, Sonic said, “F— Oak, he has no business talking about the game of baseball.  The first time we handed him a baseball, he tried to summon a Snorlax out of it.”

Here’s the final box score:

The VG All-Stars lead the series 1-0.

To be continued in Part 2.

Dana White: Cro Cop “Undisputed” Stats Now To Be Even Shittier

Fresh off his uninspiring loss to Junior Dos Santos at UFC 103, fading heavyweight MMA icon Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic was greeted with the sad news that his character stats in “UFC Undisputed”, which were already well off the level of a top performer, are going to be falling even further.

“It’s disappointing, you know,” said Filipovic to Croatian newspaper Jutarnji.  “I thought for all I did for the sport he could at least rate me higher than Antoni Hardonk.” 

White was far from contrite when questioned about the stat shift.  “We don’t think people want to fuckin’ play as the Cro Cop that demolished the Pride OWGP.  We think guys are sitting in their living rooms sayin’, you know, ‘Hey, this shit between Cro Cop and Mustapha al-Turk could be anyone’s ballgame.’  We’re going to lower him down to like, 75 overall so he can get fucked up by Brandon Vera over and over again.  I don’t know about you, but I get jacked watching him lose a decision to Cheick Kongo.”

Asked what other concessions future Undisputed iterations could make in the name of realism, White outlined several things that are purportedly on the drawing board for Undisputed 2010.  “Career mode is going to include Rampage Jackson fucking off from a fight to go and play B.A. Baracus in a Hollywood film,” he said.  “And we’re going to have it so that there’s some percent chance of Tim Sylvia shitting himself.  It’s all going to be in there.  Then we’re going to put in a Fedor Emelianenko career mode where you get points for ducking quality opponents and fighting fucking tomato cans and pituitary cases in Japan.”

Asked about a possible legal issue with Emelianenko’s likeness, White waved his hand.  “We’ll just call him Bedor Benilianenko, people will get the idea.”

(Ok, a quick note:  I have never played UFC Undisputed 2009 and I don’t plan to, but I *am* a fan of MMA.  The first thing I noticed when flipping through the strategy guide was that Cro Cop was in the game, but at a stat level commensurate with his performance in the UFC, where he’s looked like utter shit every time he’s stepped into the ring.  UFC Undisputed needs a “legend mode” where you can play as a fighter during his prime.  In 2-3 years Chuck Liddell and Wanderlei Silva are going to be ready for the old-age home but there’s no need to push them off onto a gaming ice floe to die like a pair of Inuit grandparents.)